“Take It Like A Man”: excerpts on power bottoming

Within the queer male community, sexual positioning is accounted as a gendered experience, despite relations being exclusive to one biological sex (Ravenhill and de Visser, p. 1044). Through testimony, research finds that “the perceptions of others’ masculinity relative to self-perceived masculinity guided the position choice for several participants.” The act of insertion is defined as not only masculine but dominant. While bottoming, or being the receptive partner during anal sex connotes “passivity” and “femininity”.  

This internalized model of masculinity-femininity denotes a limitation experienced by queer men, where men who express their identity in one way may be confined to a certain sexual embodiment, thus establishing an obstruction between the person’s self and their ability to sexually explore. 

“Push Him Back” 

Power bottom participants of semi-structured interviews, as well as the observed Reddit forum posts, revealed an emphasis on domination and power associated with the role. Ritualistic and linguistically symbolic, the power-bottom community expressed an assertion and taking of their positions in claims of dominance over sexual partners. 

Bodily Assertion 

Domineering as the receptive partner required a physical claim to establish power. Oftentimes, this physical taking of power was violent and aggressive; “ I can say that I love to take charge. I love to shove my man on the bed, get on top of him,” (Reddit Forum One, FaerieGodFag, 2014). Evident in the stories of power bottoms, John and Luke, the bodily assertion over their partners was a necessary performance. To assert themselves, it was necessary to “push him back”, where their counterparts were pinned down into submissive positions. Once top partners were subdued and physically pinned beneath, dominance was maintained in the foreplay actions of their power bottoms through spitting, choking, and hitting (John and Luke, collected through interview, 2023.) In this way, the establishment and maintenance of the power bottoms’ authority was a ritual of the body before the act of penetration. 

Physical dominance was maintained during sex also, where power bottoms primarily focused on pleasing themselves with their partners’ bodies; “Use him as [a sex toy]!” (Reddit Forum Three, Potential-Truck-1980, 2022.) In this way, giving partners were reduced to agents through which power bottoms could take their own pleasure, placing self-pleasure forefront of the experience. Even climactic moments of sex were controlled by the power bottoms, as participant, Mark, said, “I try to go as long as I can, sometimes [my partner] will beg me to let him [finish], but I don’t let him. I decide who gets to.” Even at climax, the power bottom retains physical control over their partner’s physicality and release. 

In this aggressive and domineering narrative, penetrative partners described their experiences as ““a bit physically overwhelming,” where they were made to feel “scared of power bottoms,” (Reddit Forum Two, deleted user, 2020). All four interviewed participants highlighted the importance of consent and comfortability for their partners to reduce anxiety or harm caused by their aggression. 

Verbal Assertion 

Power bottoming’s assertiveness was not limited to physical actions but was communicated with partners verbally also. Control over their partners was dictated through commands, belittling, and titles. It was the verbal assertion of power, rather than the physical alone, that cemented the power bottom’s dominance. 

According to John, a power bottom who enjoyed calling his partners “sissy”, and “boy”, and yelling expletives summarized this verbally-expressed assertion; “I tell him whose boss!” Employing degrading comments and assigning demeaning titles to partners was one way the power bottoms claimed superiority over their penetrators. Through this method, the bottoms used words to keep their tops “in check.” 

Reddit users across the three forums discussed the power words had to “take charge” and “[tell] the top what to do.” Commands were used to emphasize both partners’ attention to the receiver’s pleasure foremost. Dictating the will of the bottom as authority corresponds to the aggressive and violent taking of power expressed in the physical rituals– one partner can have power, but only through the submission (and consent) of the other. 

Maneuvering the G-Spot 

“We both have dicks!”

The taking of power, verbally and physically aggressive, at the cost of another partner’s submission can lead to tension between partners. When the presence of the masculine heteronormative model of intimacy is disrupted in the sex lives of gay men, this can result in narrative disruption and a challenge between partners. According to the heteronormative model, “bottoms should be submissive,” (Luke, collected through interview, 2023). This model and its constituted expectations for bottoms, however, are met with rife when applied to a power-bottoming positionality. 

Matt, the youngest participant interviewed, reiterated the incompatible natures of hypermasculine expectations and power bottoms. He told a story about his experience in a gay men’s bathhouse in his hometown, “I went to their [glow in the dark] party one time. You get a glowstick bracelet to let the other guys know what you’re into.” Matt, a power bottom, donned a bracelet to let other men at the party know his preference as a bottom. Their interpretation of a bottom and his preferences did not align.

“Guys would come up from behind me and touch me, and… it’s like pitch black, all you see are their bracelets until they come up to you… One guy kept touching me, so I touched him back.” After establishing intimacy, “He pushed me against the wall and choked me really hard. I tried to move his hand but he wouldn’t.” Matt was able to release himself from the top and told him he was not “into that.” 

“He kept trying to grab me so I moved his hands and walked away, I think that really pissed him off. But, I am not into that. I like to be dominant, I don’t like being handled.” After the encounter, Matt noticed other tops at the party avoided him; “They only wanted to [be with] bottoms that took it… I left,”  (Matt, collected through interview, 2023). 

Matt’s violent encounter at a gay bathhouse party and the ostracization he endured after establishing his boundaries reveals the incompatible narratives expected of bottoms and his own; “It [was] annoying because, I think, [tops] assume that just because my bracelet says I’m a bottom means they can do whatever they want. They view bottoms like less-than… but we both have dicks! We [were] all guys in there, it’s so dumb. They think they can do what they want, but if a bottom tries it’s almost too much for them.” 

In a setting where consent is physically implied rather than verbally given, a violent hypermasculinity is emphasized, as dominance is expected and forced. According to this hypermasculine model, where tops are allowed to assume dominance and bottoms are shamed unless submissive, a man can be deemed undesirable for setting their boundaries. 

Sex is a site of pleasure  

A sexual partner’s aggressive taking of power– top or bottom– while ensuring comfortability and consent between all parties is requisite for a disruption of the hypermasculine model for sex. Across datasets, power bottoms expressed the need to maneuver between sexual assertion and boundary setting with their sexual partners. For the interviewed participants, trust and communication between partners before sex were essential for maintaining a healthy balance between control and pleasure during intimacy. 

Marc, a married power bottom, emphasized the communication and mutuality required in his marriage, “I can tell when he’s not… we’ll try something different. We can change positions, or if he needs me to let up, I will.” Luke and John also expressed their willingness to communicate with their partners so “we both have fun.” In this light, the power bottoms’ dominance, though established, is not concrete. Their control can be negotiated for the benefit of the partner. On Reddit, power bottom users described mutual pleasure in their posts as satisfying and passionate; “I love looking at [tops’] faces when I’m riding them, hearing them moan, just knowing they’re enjoying it,” (Reddit Forum One, 2017). This connotes reciprocity at play– though the power bottoms derive pleasure from being in control and putting their needs first, that fulfillment can only be whole knowing that their partner is authentically enjoying submission.  With an emphasis on communication and boundary setting, power is surprisingly shared between power bottoms and submissive tops. Although aggressive and violent assertion is utilized by the bottoms to take positionality as the domineering sexual partner, their control is completely reliant on their partner’s willingness to cooperate and can be taken away should the submissive top express displeasure. Therefore, utmost importance is placed on consent and trust. Through open communication, hypermasculine assumptions of power are expunged as the pleasure becomes mutually reliant upon the efforts of both partners– sex is a site of pleasure for those who give and receive.